In kindergarten a girl named Jane sat next to me and said, “Want to be my best friend?” as if it was an opening she had selected me to fill. I said yes. We’d be playmates for the next two years until my family moved a few towns away.
I cried when my parents told us about the move, “I won’t make any friends.” I was wrong.
That was the insecure, shy kid inside of me speaking, the kid that still emerges when placed into social settings where I don’t really know anyone. It happens a lot. I’m sure it happens to many adults: it’s the reason we go to parties and get-togethers as friends or couples. I also think it’s the reason we’ve become so screen-oriented: Don’t know anyone? Can’t make small talk? Stare at your phone until your friend gets back from the bathroom!
There has to be a better way!
I think there is. If a shy second grader can make a few lifelong friends, then certainly a confident 30-something adult can, right?
It’s taken some time, but I’ve removed the shell over the course of high school and college, six moves in a decade (I’m an Air Force veteran married to an active duty officer), and lived through my fair share of standing awkwardly during many social functions. I may appear to confidently shake a stranger’s hand, but inside I’m screaming “Don’t be an idiot!”
Why bother? Why not be satisfied with my family and the friends I have now. Well, for one thing we’re a US military family that just moved to the Republic of Korea. All my friends and family are on another continent. Additionally countless happiness studies point to quality relationships as being sources of happiness, and, frankly, I work from home with a toddler underfoot so it’s nice to have adult conversations with someone other than my husband once in a while.
If you find yourself in the same boat as me, here’s your blueprint to figuring out this whole adult friendship thing along with what’s the worst that could happen (hint: nothing terrible!):
1. Go to a public place like a library, park, or coffee shop to spot your potential friend.
Worst case scenario: You don’t find a potential friend today, don’t fret! Get your coffee, finish your work-out, eat your lunch, or whatever else you were planning to do to the public place.
2. Make eye contact, but not too long! You don’t want come across as a creeper!
Worst case scenario: You stare too long and creep potential friend out. If you suspect this is happening, think quickly and move to step 3.
3. Smile. Wave, or not, that could be weird. Come up with a question or compliment, people love compliments, “That’s a great shirt/pair of sunglasses/backpack/etc, where’d you get it?”
Be genuine though, people can sense fake and nobody likes fake niceness.
Worst case scenario: Potential Friend completely ignores you. Ouch. Don’t let it hinder your confidence, that’s not someone you want to be friends with anyway.
Worst case scenario 2: You compliment something weird,
You: “Great coffee cup! Where’d you get it?”
No-longer potential friend: “Umm here, it’s the paper cup they serve their coffee in.”
4. Think of something else to talk about or ask. If you can’t think of any related hobbies, kids, non-partisan news stories, you could try to ask a non-creepy question about his/her background.
Worst case scenario: You, drawing a complete blank, ask “So what’s your social security number?”
5. Let the conversation flow. If you seem to be hitting it off secure a future meet-up:
(met at gym) “Hey do you want to go for a run together sometime?”
(met at playground, side note you better have been there with a child) “Want to grab coffee next week sans kids?”
(met at coffee shop) “Do you mind if I friend you on [insert social media of choice]? I’d like to keep in touch.”
Worst case: they don’t accept the invite. It’s cool, move on.
6. Treat the relationship like any other: follow-up, follow-through, keep in touch…or not. If this person doesn’t seem like a bestie, maybe consider him or her as an acquaintance. Don’t ever be rude or burn bridges!
Worst case: They keep turning down your invites to get together. Get the hint, sorry he/she isn’t interested. Yes people are busy, but people also make time for what matters to them.
Bottom line is to be genuine, kind, and open to people. You will meet people you don’t want to talk to again. That’s ok, enjoy the conversation and move on. We’re all on this planet together, let’s get to know one another, be respectful, and form friendships when it makes sense.
Jane, if you’re reading this: What’s up? How’s life been treating you?